I really never thought I’d be signed off work for months with burnout but here we are three months in and I’m still recovering.
Looking back I realise that I’d been burnt out for the past three years. I just kept pushing myself physically and mentally even when all I wanted to do was rest. I'd always recognise the burnout though from the feeling of not caring if the work got done/done well - not a usual feeling for someone normally so diligent. I was too proud to ask for help and allow myself to rest - ‘what would people think’, ‘I’d be letting everyone down’, ‘I’m not that person that needs/can ask for help’.
I’ve been working as a management consultant for the past seven years and it’s heavy-going work. I was placed on demanding projects while going for promotion to director which meant that I had to essentially do two jobs at once. The pandemic also took its toll - it did for everyone in some way - for me it was back-to-back Teams calls for 9 hours per day whilst trying to get some work done and manage emails etc.
At the end of 2022 I decided to take a sabbatical - thinking that a break would be nice but still not willing to recognise how much I needed it. I’m so grateful and lucky to be able to do this. I went travelling with my partner for 3 months, something we’d wanted to do for ages and a real dream trip! We spent a month each in Vietnam, Cambodia and India and finished off with 10 days in Jordan (well, it was on the way home 😉). We had an amazing time and saw so many epic places include Angkor Wat and Petra but I ran the trip like a very efficient project - it was the only way I knew how to operate on reflection - not letting us rest and planning lots of heavy-duty sightseeing, which meant that I wasn’t really present whilst away which I now really regret. When we got back home I “allowed” myself two weeks to rest and this is when I completely fell apart. For the next few weeks all I could do was take occasional walk in or just lie on the sofa reading or watching tv. I’d never felt like this before, I was completely drained.
I’ve slowly been building up stamina since then but even now I get overwhelmed easily and get exhausted from just doing ‘normal’ things like travelling or seeing friends.
What got me here
Spending some time thinking about what got me to this point, I found that there were a few things that caused this for me - my drivers I guess (outside the extreme demands of the job):
People pleasing - not wanting to let people down and putting other people’s well-being above my own, which led to me taking on more work than I could deal with. For me I think this comes from a place of low self-worth and the desire for external validation so this is a core focus for me to deal with, both in therapy and through the use of meditation and affirmations.
Something linked to the death of my mother 10 years ago - I’ve always been aware of this on some level, but until recently I thought my loss was helping me to ‘make the most of life’. I’ve since discovered that it was more about covering up my feelings and running from grief (more on that in a future post). Figuring this out really hit me like a sledgehammer and I felt really silly for not seeing it earlier, but looking back at my behaviours and feelings over the last 10 years this now makes total sense.
Masking - I’m a big old introvert and potentially neurodivergent and doing a job like consultancy you are often forced into extrovert and outgoing behaviours, such as running workshops (shudder 😖), leading big meetings etc. This takes so much energy when this is not your natural state. Most weeks I was just a shell of a person come Friday with nothing left to give myself, my partner or my friends.
Ego - Wanting the flashy job title, the high ranking role, the big team and the ego boost that comes with that. This is not an easy one to admit and most people will shy away from this but don’t we all have it to some degree if we’re really honest with ourselves? Titles and responsibility may not have been the major driver for me but I do recognise that it did play a part.
Adrenaline addiction - I feel that urge even now, when I go close to the office, of running around, being important, always being on the go, heart racing, things to get done, people to see, problems to sort out! Feels crazy looking back, running around between meetings in uncomfortable heals but it’s addictive that adrenaline. Living on it is not healthy though and my body definitely paid the price.
Once I admitted to myself that I was burnt out and that this wasn’t going to fix itself I got the courage to make a doctors appointment and start looking for a therapist. This was not an easy step - we Scandinavians are not the best at emotional expression so showing this level of vulnerability is hard - but after a couple of very teary appointments (I could barely get any words out) I was so relieved to have people on my team - go Team Burnout! I also started researching burnout recovery to help me find my own way out and started trying stuff to see what felt good for me.
What has worked for me?
Journalling - This is something I’ve done on and off but not daily, and only during times of extreme anxiety. But now I write every night about anything that’s on my mind, how I am feeling, what has happened that day and what my general mood is like. I also note down moments of joy from the day as well as finding three things I’m grateful for to try and focus on the good in life. It is so helpful to just pour everything out on paper and also take stock of the day and my general mood. I’ve also combined this with the next item…
Affirmations - Affirmations are positive statements about yourself which are designed to enforce positive thinking and get rid of that niggling negative voice in your head (see separate blog on my experience with these). I tend to write mine down but I also repeat them out loud which I find really helps in subsiding anxiety episodes. Based on my burnout root causes I tend to focus on boosting my self-worth and lowering my hyper-vigilance/people pleasing tendencies as well as rumination and anxiety. I’m sticking with them, not sure if they work quite yet but everyone swears by them so if they’re good enough for Oprah, they’re good enough for me! 😉
Walking - I’ve always been a keen walker and it’s often been the one thing that saved my sanity after 14-hour work days. What I have changed though was the pace and my mindset. I used to treat my walking time before work like a start to the working day, thinking through to do lists and prepping for the day. Now I’m trying to be present and mindful (so hard!) and to slow down, look around and actually find moments of joy. I stop to smell flowers (cheesy I know but it’s actually really nice!), connect with nature and enjoy this precious time with myself. I also use the time to process thoughts and feelings which helps me work through negative emotions and stress. I now walk around 1.5-2 hours per day and love it. I am starting to consider how I can incorporate this practice in my day when I return to work and I’ll keep you posted on how I get on.
Yoga - Being in my 40’s and not very flexible the idea of starting yoga was daunting! So far I’ve not been to any group in-person classes but I swear by Yoga with Adriane on YouTube, just like millions of others. I’m still not very bendy but it’s been so rewarding to see and feel the small changes over time - I can just about hold a downward facing dog for a acceptable amount of time now! 😊 I actually think it helps not being very good at something like this, as it really forces you to focus on what your body is doing and get out of your own head. It’s not for everyone but I find it useful
Mindfulness meditation - We all know it’s great and that we should all be doing it but man is it hard!! I’m a solid over-thinker and with a crazy busy mind, just focussing on my breath for 10 minutes feels near impossible. I tried to follow an eight-week course from a book recommended by my GP but I really struggled - I think you have to do a course like that with a group/in person to really get the benefits. What did help was when I did a burnout retreat (more on that in a later blog as well) and found some of the meditations there really helpful, especially meta meditations around compassion. There I discovered that I need more than just a focus on breath in a sitting meditation, I need something physical to feel e.g. a smooth stone or soft fabric. It also really helps me to visualise waves going in and out in time with my breathing. We all need different anchors to come back to with meditation so I’ll keep trying and am determined to keep this going!
Issues to overcome
Issues to overcome
It’s not been an easy journey and it’s nowhere near over yet. I was signed off work from the start of May to middle of August 2023 and will take some time out before starting back at work. There have been a good few surprises for me during this journey and things I’ve had to work through which I wanted to share:
Feeling feelings again - I don’t know if this is common with burnout but for me, I had repressed all my feelings just to be able to keep going. Although I would get physical symptoms during the burnout like small infections and other immune system issues, I rarely felt anything emotionally apart from anxiety if things got really bad. Once I slowed down and started to be a bit more present I found a swell of feelings coming to the surface. This has taken some getting used to, both in dealing with the emotions that arise but also in changing my perception of myself. I’d got into the habit of viewing myself like a machine with little emotion. What I’m realising now is that I’m actually a really emotional person and part of my burnout is likely due to me not listening to my body/mind. There’s a quote that “burnout is overriding signals of distress” which is spot on!
Getting over the achievement drive - This was and still is soooo hard! When you’re used to getting sh*t done quickly and overachieving it’s near impossible to just slow down. I still don’t think I’m over this but am trying to have some little achievements which don’t take much energy and just do one of those each day like booking an appointment, making a call, reading a chapter of a book.
Frustration over pace - We all want to get better quick! I still often feel frustrated at the pace of recovery (I read that it can take 3-6 months for burnout recovery) and it’s key to try to not get angry at yourself and try to accept that it will take time and that’s OK.
Learning how to rest - I think it’s key here to learn to listen to your body and what it needs - if it needs to binge watch Grey’s Anatomy then do that (or is that just me?!). I’m still not great at this and find that I still overbook myself - even with recovery activities - which means I get exhausted all over again. As a society we’re not good at resting but we all deserve it and need it!
Swallowing your pride - When I got signed off I was so surprised to fee a massive hit on my pride. The voices in my head saying ‘I’m not someone who gets signed off / has time off sick’. I really wasn’t expecting this reaction from myself and it took a lot of talking to myself to swallow that pride, get the help I needed and really get into my recovery.
I’m still very much on this journey of recovery and I really hope some of this has been useful for you if you are going through something similar. I feel very lucky and privileged to be in a situation and with an understanding employer who supported me in taking this time out. Fighting my pride and showing my vulnerability is one of the hardest things I’ve done but I’m so glad I did it as taking this time out has been the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I know that going back to work in some form (more on that later) and working through my burnout drivers and self-worth issues in therapy will be hard, but I’m looking forward to sharing it with you as I go.
Love
Susanne xx
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